hi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you ever have a problem, or just need someone to listen to you. i will do my best. it doesnt matter what the problem is i never judge. just P.M. me
Age 31, Male
Student
Rim Of The World
Crestline CA
Joined on 6/19/08
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Comments
Hello how you been?
ouch
AHHHH what happened.
I already commented in PM
Right Thank you again. =)
I actually really liked it. Really detailed and professional. Few minor problems such as "As I am dragged back into the suffocating smoke. I hear Jesa's scream fade as the truck pulls away" That period after smoke shouldn't really be there. Also I think it would sound better if you used past tense, as if the story is being told to you after all of this. Like this for example:
Original: "I see blood run through my fingers on the right side of my stomach. Another explosion hits launching us to the other side of the truck once more."
Re-Write: "I saw blood run through my fingers on the right side of my stomach. another explosion hit us and launched us to the other side of the truck once more."
It's up to you what sounds better. It's just a thought.
thanks now that i look at it, that period shouldnt be there.
im not sure what tense yet though, i like them both. thanks for the advice though
No problem. Keep it up.
thanks again.
Anybody know were i can post this to get people to read it?
Newgrounds forums? Or advertise it on other ppls posts
against the rules to post in general forums... but as for the others i will have to look
hmmm
Hmm. How did Jug get his machine gun in a strict totalatarian environment with people that need to barter? When only 2% of the worlds population is left (maybe even less) and placed in a fortress city ... how does Jesa know so many martial arts?
superblop1
I feel so hated. someone leave a comment. please...please!.!.!.!.!.!.!
lol