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As most of you know I write stories...

2008-09-18 18:47:40 by superblop1

I have been working on this little guy for a few months now, its not done yet but here is a taste. I would like you all to tell me what ya think. Does it need something to be taken out, or put in? Tell me your thoughts on it, I am open to all suggestions. I also have a 30 page story that i have put aside for now. I do encourage you to tell me its flaws but please read the ENTIRE story first. thanks to all who respond.

Thanks for the advice Kenshi2, I helped the Intro a bit i think.
Thanks also to PliskinMantis. i will work on the tense in a different area and post later.

The Wall
By: Superblop1

When the last pandemic broke out in 2034, it killed all but two percent of the world's population. No one noticed it until 2039 when people started getiing sick and even, vanishing. It started with a cough and grew to vomiting, but those weren't as terrible as the finale symptom. People started screaming in terror, they started ripping their own skin of with their finger nails, and finally just stop everything, completely freeze and die. That's when the government positioned the human protection program. We the people, didn't, rather weren't allowed to know anything about the disease. What caused it, how fast it spread, or the cure... if there was one. But suspicions rose it was the plague, it was. After one week of these incidents, the military quarantined every country in the world. The soldiers scanned people with a blood test, for god knows what. And if someone was positive they would be transported to somewhere else, no one knew where. People lost friends, family, even pets. The people transported were never seen again.
However the people who tested negative were kept in solitude until all of the major cities were tested. After the quarantine was complete the 40,000 left were sent to a city... at least that's what the government calls it. What it really is, is a prison. We call it Savior City; it's called this because it's were the last of the human race is positioned. The soldiers that placed us there said it would be temporary, but it wasn't. They told us "two months tops, just until we know the plague is gone." but we've been here three years. This city is not a city, it's a fortress. No one comes in, no one goes out. Thanks to the three hundred-foot wall with pressure sensors, cameras, and barbed wire at the top. Most of the people here are happy though, they feel safe. And they go on with their lives worry free. There is no money here, or poverty, the government gave us a house and job. Jobs aren't for money but for trading, some people have chicken raising or cornfields for example, they would trade some corn for a chicken or some fruit. That is how most live here, but others like myself know better.
Two weeks after we were shipped here, the governmental system turned to a dictatorship, we lost our rights as people. The man I speak of calls himself Horizon. He and his four helpers decide who gets what job, who gets promoted, who is right in a crime trial, and anything else you can think of. When he started oppressing us, most people just looked the other way. But his rule grew and grew until anyone against him and his judgement seemed to, vanish. That is when I joined the rebellion named Dread Guard. An underground group of elite forces and, others against Horizon.
Forsec the group leader was the one who started the underground fight; he is a thirty-six year old man with broad shoulders and large arms. West the groups vehicle specialist was the second to join, being a close friend of Forsec. West is a thinner man with curly black hair and many scars, but no one knows how he got them. Then me, Echo I was trained in explosives, Forsec and West seemed to like that. I am twenty-three with a buzzed hair cut and average weight. After me there was Jesa and Jug. Jesa is our stealth, sniper, and medical expert; she is the only woman in our team, with long dark brown hair and deep brown eyes. But don't let her looks fool you, she is trained in eight different types of martial arts. Jug the teams weapon handler is a huge man standing six foot six, has arms as big as my head, and oddly enough a real sensitive guy. He knows how to use any gun in existence. And finally Glitch our computer/system hacker, he can do anything possible on a computer. The smallest in our group, he's seventeen, has almost no body strength, but a good guy. There is also about seventy others who are positioned in squads around the city, all in our cause to stop Horizon.
"Ok lets go over the plan one more time" Forsec says. "West you take me and Echo around the back of Horizons building, after dropping Jug and Jesa out in the front". "Then you Echo, you set a charge on the ventilation shaft were well go in.". "After Echo and I are in, Jug you create a little distraction at the front gates while Jesa goes in unnoticed". "No problem" Jug says as he raises his long machine gun with a smile. " After that Glitch, you open up the doors we need, we all have trackers so you know were we are, and it should be no problem to open the doors we need". "Next we meet in the war room, it should be empty due to the public address today" Forsec says while putting his silver handled pistol in its holster. " I'll go over the rest of the plan there, in the war room. We'll have to wait until tonight to break in because, as you know, the public address is tonight at nine." He told us to prep up before we leave. I grabbed my rifle and explosives and sat down on the bed, looking at a picture of Sarah. Sarah was my girlfriend before she tested positive at the scanning booths; I'll never forget that. The soldier said "I'm sorry but she needs to get on the transport." I screamed at him with tears running down my face to test her again, but the second was as the first was...positive. Now all I have is this picture and the cross on my necklace that she gave me for my birthday four years and seven months ago. I missed her so much; she was the only one I had. My parents were lost in a plane wreck when I was sixteen, and I was sent to live with my uncle for two years. I never liked him; he was large, lazy, and self centered. My uncle also tested positive at the scanning booth, and though I didn't like him; it hurt losing him.
"Time to go" forsec says as he climbs into Wests large, armored, two ton military transport with a fifty caliber machine gun mounted on top. "Echo get on the gun just in case we have company" West says, "You got it" I reply joyfully. " needs ammo" I tell Jug. " Here...load it on the way" he says handing me a steel box of ammunition for the gun. The growl of the engine when we started to move startled me. West said he made some "minor" modifications. When we got on the road, we passed Horizon and the public announcement. He was so skinny and tall, it was disturbing. "Ok we are approaching Horizons building. "Damn!" West says. "What is it?" Jug asks. " Look" West mumbles as he points forward. And in front of us stood at least sixty mercenaries, fully armed. "Who the hell warned them?" I yelled. "Doesn't matter! Echo see what you can do with gun, and Jug you know the drill." Forsec tells us. I had loaded the gun already, and began firing instantly. Only problem was, Jug and I were on top of the vehicle with no cover. The loud rounds being fired were defining. The truck was in the middle of the entrance gate. Taking much fire from the soldiers lined up in front of the building. Then one loud screech and some of the gunfire stopped, particularly mine. The gun was jammed with the casing of a bullet. And just as it did I was shot, in the shoulder. It twisted me around the seat of the gun, off the roof, and onto the ground. I got up slowly and pulled myself behind the truck. I hadn't ever been shot before, it hurts like hell.
Jug had already jumped down and was helping me inside the truck not thirty seconds after I fell off. "Get em in! Get em in!" I heard Forsec scream. "Get outta here West" Forsec yelled again. "Is it bad?" I ask Jesa. "You have a bug" she says. "A what". "A bug, or tracking device, they want to no were we're going. I'm gonna have to take it out, its going to hurt." "Do it...quickly". She pulls a large knife and a vile. Jesa shoves the knife into the bullet wound and slowly digs around. "Got it!" she says. The knife feels so cold inside my stomach, and so painful. The wooden handle is the pushed to the seat so the blade pops up out of my stomach with the bullet. "Gaaaah" I moan. She puts the bullet or tracking device in the vile and throws into an open manhole. "That'll keep those bastards busy for a while, im going to start stitching you up." Jesa says. I can only smile at her stupidly. She looks so beautiful, but she always has. She reminded me so much of Sarah. I'm on my back across the back seat of the truck with Jesa working on my stomach, when an explosion hits right next to us.
We are all slammed to the side of the vehicle. I feel the stitches being ripped from my flesh. "What the hell was that!" Jug screams at West. "R.P.G." he yells back. The truck is still moving but taken fire. I look out the window and see two infantry soldiers with an R.P.G. and six soldiers with machine guns. I roll over realizing how much pain I was in, and put pressure on my wound. I see blood run through my fingers on the right side of my stomach. Another explosion hits launching us to the other side of the truck once more. " Get us out of" Forsec yells over the gunfire. Then nothing, complete darkness. I must have blacked out because; I awakened on a table back at our hideout. "You were knocked out do to blood loss, and that nasty bump on your head. You smacked the roof of the truck pretty hard." Jesa says grinning. "Is...people ...not good?" I knew I wasn't making sense, but I tried. My voice is scratchy and broken. "Rest a little, your still delirious." She answered back. I went back to sleep almost instantly. Almost six hours later I awoke, in pain. Jesa, asleep at the foot of the bed, must have came to look after me. I look up at the florescent lighting above my bed and think. I said to myself "why don't you tell her about your feelings?" but I knew why. I hadn't let Sarah go yet; I still loved her. I looked at Jesa, leaned over and moved her hair out of her face. I watched her sleep for hours that night, and eventually fell asleep myself.
"Wake up!" "Wake the hell up!" I heard someone screaming. "What is it, what happened? What's going on" I say back. But they didn't have to answer, tear gas was tearing threw the windows. I swing my legs out of bed and started running to the garage. The tear gas made my eyes burn like fire, and clutched my throat so tightly it kept me from breathing. I rolled into West's truck almost blind. "Where's Glitch?" I ask loudly. "He's still inside" Jesa says. I wait a few seconds and take off after him. His room is almost completely white due to the smoke, but I see him. "Come here!" I yell. He grabs my arm, and all I hear and see is gunshots. And the strength from the arm holding mine is lost. "Glitch!! Not yet! Hold on for me we're almost out!" I scream at him. I pull his arm and torso over my shoulder. I feel his struggled breathing on my arm. Slowly we make our way to the truck. I'm out into the garage, when my leg is shredded by a grappling hook. I hit the ground and Glitch falls I front of me. I see the world move away. As I am dragged back into the suffocating smoke I hear Jesa's scream fade as the truck pulls away. I see my own blood on the human fish hook, as it pulls me to those who wish me dead.
When the seemingly endless pulling did end, I rolled onto my back. The dark smoke blinded me, and made me cover my face. Two men in masks were laughing at my pain. Then, the wall exploded onto the three of us. West's truck had broken through the wall into the kitchen. As I fell, my elbow was twisted until it was under my chin. I feel the brutal pain of my shoulder poping out of its socket.


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2008-09-18 23:33:41

I feel so hated. someone leave a comment. please...please!.!.!.!.!.!.!



2008-09-20 09:44:09


superblop1 responds:

Hello how you been?


2008-09-20 19:28:33


superblop1 responds:

AHHHH what happened.


2008-09-28 03:12:37

I already commented in PM

superblop1 responds:

Right Thank you again. =)


2008-10-09 20:21:12

I actually really liked it. Really detailed and professional. Few minor problems such as "As I am dragged back into the suffocating smoke. I hear Jesa's scream fade as the truck pulls away" That period after smoke shouldn't really be there. Also I think it would sound better if you used past tense, as if the story is being told to you after all of this. Like this for example:

Original: "I see blood run through my fingers on the right side of my stomach. Another explosion hits launching us to the other side of the truck once more."

Re-Write: "I saw blood run through my fingers on the right side of my stomach. another explosion hit us and launched us to the other side of the truck once more."

It's up to you what sounds better. It's just a thought.

superblop1 responds:

thanks now that i look at it, that period shouldnt be there.

im not sure what tense yet though, i like them both. thanks for the advice though


2008-10-09 20:49:44

No problem. Keep it up.

superblop1 responds:

thanks again.


2008-10-09 20:50:01

Anybody know were i can post this to get people to read it?


2008-10-09 22:10:37

Newgrounds forums? Or advertise it on other ppls posts

(Updated ) superblop1 responds:

against the rules to post in general forums... but as for the others i will have to look



2008-12-03 13:52:17

Hmm. How did Jug get his machine gun in a strict totalatarian environment with people that need to barter? When only 2% of the worlds population is left (maybe even less) and placed in a fortress city ... how does Jesa know so many martial arts?